Nationals finally over..
Thursday, July 29
Wheew! Heave a sigh of relief.. Nationals season is finally over.. That I guess marked the end of the chapter for TCHS trach n field. Next yr, they will be back on competition with the new intergrated school called "Huazhong International"! Not bad a name la, seriously. Well, the results for the test for VJC INtergrated still not out.. And I am sitting at the edge now. Yupp, my coach talked to me.. Yes, though I may be easily persuaded and swayed.. But I think this whole matter still lies in God's hands.. I believe He will have His perfect wil for me.. Sigh, I dunno. I had to give my coach my word that I would stay because he will not let me off and keep "nagging" at me if I dun! I also find that somehow if I leave I will be seen as a very irresponsible person. The TCHS X-Country team will crumble if I go.. Not because I am a very good runner or what, is just that there are 6 people making up a team of runners, that is for the school wan.. If I leave it'll be 5. Then I believe next year we will not have a chance against the rest of the school. I leave I also dun feel good la.. ANd moreover, I am still the captain of our c div x-country right? Leaving would give ppl not only a bad impression, younger juniors might follow.. Sigh.. I am burdened because of this.. I really dun want to leave a bad name and a poor testimony as a Christian..
YES, the Lord does have to come into the picture. It is only His will that I would follow. "I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus' name." Indeed. I would not jump to any conclusion what His will is but I shall wait and tarry.. His answer will come at the right time, not a second earlier, nor a second later. But I dunno why, I still doubt a lil. If it is His will that I leave and go to VJC, then the "word" I gave to my coach would be broken, and all my coaches, and seniors will have a bad impression of my testimony. Somehow the Lord will provide a way I believe. But sometimes I just doubt la.. Perpahps because of the deceitful mind that the devil pollutes..
I am at a very stagnant part of my Christian walk now. I dunno why. I seem to be stuck at this part and can't press on. Sigh. Sometimes thinking too much does create doubts and problems. I am a person who likes to think alot. And this can be my strength or it can be my weakness. Sometimes we just shouldn't think too much. SOmetimes we should just trust. Sometimes being as innocent as an infant is of such joy. Sometimes having a pure mind is better den having an intelligent brain. Yupp, thinking can be good and can be bad. Ok, coming back to my spiritually "pit-stop". I believe this is the "miry pit" that I have fallen into. I am stuggling to get out of it. When there seems so much hope of getting out with the help of my Saviour, I slip back in again! Sigh. It is like what I experienced before. The guiltiness and unable to be discipline enough to read His word and pray. Sigh, I cannot live one day peacefully knowing that I had not prayed nor read His word. And my whole day is "wrecked" because of this guilt. Sigh. I am really dying because of my hunger and starvation. Its like a guy who lies on bed totally un-motivated to reach out for his food even though he is starving. I AM LIKE HIM! I am starving yet, without motivation to feed myself with God's food. SOmehow the bible and praying seems like a chore. Honestly, I feel that the bible has become dry to me (and I totally dun know how to read it, nor do I feel like reading it) and praying has become the "never-to-go-above-the-ceiling" feeling. I am hoping someone would come and enlighten me on what I should do now. I asked God to help, but nothing seems to happen. Thats where the thinking part comes in, if we think too much, we are unable to accept simples truths and open our hearts to what God has to say. Because we think too much! Thats what I am in now. IT is like burdens weighing down on both sides of me. And I am totally dunno what to do. ANd God seems to miss my prayer or something. I need prayers people. People who still believe that prayers does go to the Lord. Not that I dun! I DO! I always do. BUt its just that I fail to see it happen.
Sigh, if only I had a right view of my God. TO see Him as He is. His faithfulness, love, mercy, compassion. I would never have these doubts. Dr Binney was right, I also heard the sermon by Dr Jim Berg they both said that our view of God must be right. He is not a strict God, neither is He is an unjust God. Never. I forbid. He is understanding or our problems. Our needs, sympathizes with our weakness. He is always faithful. the same yesterday, today and forever! He is LOVE. He never gives up on the people whom He has started working, but will complete them until the day of the Lord Jesus.
I dun have the focus too. I am very easily distracted I guess. And I believe it is also my weakness. Pray for me, that the Lord will work thru my weakness.
I really want to get right with God and my heart to burn with passion for HIm. TO sing of His mercies and praise Him everyday of my life. TO LOVE Him with all my heart, my soul, my mind and my strength. tO think on nothing except Him. To be MORE LIKE HIM! Pls pray for me if you will. I dun feel like praying. SIgh. I dunno why. I really want Him to show me what He can do for me, to help me out of this "pit". PRay for me that the Lord will help me out. And I will learn to trust Him even more. CAn I do that?
ANw, the weird thing is that I still do pray la. I do. I read His word if I have the time. I think a few days before. But it has least almost none impact on me. Thats also what I worry. And another weird thing is I still encourage and edify people during my period of "despair". I dunno whether the power of the Holy SPirit still works. I dunno whether it helps, but I still do all my best hoping to help those who are stumbling. Aiya, I dunno. Having really mixed feelings now. What to do? WHat to do? What to do?
