Run for the greater glory of God..
Saturday, July 17
Sigh, I thank the Lord for giving me peace.
You didn't know how troubled and depressed I was before I took my nap.. I was super super sick, (I still am)but I thank my God that He cleared my mind from all worries and doubts. Really, I was at my very very depressed mood already, depressed until the point of tears. There was a inner struggle within me, together with my phyical suffering, it was a total disater. Honestly, I am dead nervous about my races next week. The heats for 3000m is on 19th! Yes, I worried alot. My focused changed alot due to my worry. I was too self-centered. I promised God that I would use this race to run for His glory at first. But slowly the focus became "Lord would you help me to run for your glory", the emphasis on me deepen. It was no longer "Him, Him and only Him", but I tried fitting myself into the picture. Yes, that did alot of damage. My focus was no longer to glorify Him, it was that I must be used to glorify Him! That, I admit, caused me to worry so much that I lose hope. I heard a sermon by Jim Berg on "Anxiety-- the silent killer", it didn't touch me in a sense, but it made me think alot and perhaps it was called conviction. I had difficulty concentrating on my prayer, both because of thoughts and my cough. I asked God to give me peace. ".. peace came, and tears fled away.." that was exactly what Jim Berg touched on. I woke up with a clear mind, but totally blurred on what had happen before the nap. I thank God for giving me this peace that eased me sooo much. Though I am still quite nervous about the race.
I guess the Lord has to prepare my heart for this race. No longer my self. But this weak heart of mine. My focus should be to glorify Him. Honestly, this seems very easy, but it is a big and tough burden for me. The difficult part is not howI can glorify Him, but whether I would chose to glorify Him. There are inner struggles within me. How easily I would be tempted to "steal" of "rob" this glory of Him. The thought of "making myself be known"keeps floating through my mind. Then fear comes in because of the wrong focus, "Would I be used?"
But I have to change this focus back to "glorify Him". Not me. NO! It doesn't matter whether "I" be used or not. What matters is that HE is glorified thru the race, be it directly thru me or indirectly. I pray that the Lord will give me guidance on this part and prepare my heart for the pressure. I think the "anxiety" of the race also comes in. I am frankly quite nervous. I do not doubt that God can work wonders, but I just am afraid that He would not use me and I would flop the race. The fear of Him being not with me is overwhelming. It is like on Mount Sinai when Moses interceeded with God, the Lord promised to let His people survive but they go without the Lord. Indeed, they would not survive, as Moses said. I feared I would not have the Lord.
Honestly, I don't know why I can't survive when the Lord seems so silent. People who know me knows that I get impatient very easily, esp when people dun reply my message. But can this "impatient" characteristic be the same when it comes to GOD? I guess not. That's why I always doubt and worry. ".. fruit of the spirit is .... patience " Our God is a patient God and He hopes that we also be patient people. Patient in waiting for His answer. I guess we miss out so much when we are not able to wait for His answer. We "tahan" until we cannot already then we give up, not knowing that if we wait a while longer, He is waiting to give us His rich blessings. how much do we miss when we fail to wait..
Yes, I can't deny that I am very nervous about the race. (erm, I repeat how many times already ah?)Haha. But I pray that the Lord will give me peace because many a times we neglect this sin called "anxiety". It is a sin and the Lord has emphasize the "do not be anxious for anything" throughout the bible. So pray that I will not be anxious for this race. Pray that I will go out and fight a good strong battle for the Lord and in bring glory to His name. Pray that the word "self" don't come into the picture. Pray that souls will want to know Him because of the race. Pray that His name will be magnified be it thru me or anyway, just His name be magnified can liao.
Nationals, here I come...
