*thinking*

Guess I am here after all, after quite sometime of break. I think I am still able to like live without the computer for a few days. But have to check my email like everyday so that my mailbox won't be flooded by my x-country's emails. Argh, but its quite a burden to me, this computer thing. I wonder is it really a governing factor of my life? Can I be able to live without it? I guess so, but it would be quite torturing and feel very tempted to use. Well, it best not be a governing factor if not I would have to stop for at least one week. It does hold me down. Sometimes I use the computer until too tired then I missed my quiet time, that was quite sometime before. Thats why I am quite worried. But at least now I got commitment to like use less and only when necessary. First thing to pray for is this lo. That it will not be a governing factor of my life.

This week, I had been exposed to many new truths I nv knew.. I really thank God for that. Thank God for Him guiding me with His loving hands, thank God for Him using His servants to reach out and edify me, thank thank God.

Firstly, it daunt on me how small and little, how frail and weak, how so "stupid" in as sense if it can be known as the opposite of "not filled with knowledge", how self-seeking-sufficient, I was and am. Yet was totally ignorant of these facts and so proud of myself. It was when Sister Joann talked to me about my blog's point on "transparency" (talk about that later) and made me realise that I was not everything I tot I am. Such simple truths I didn't know, yet I am proud at the state of my Christian life! The worst thing about Christian walk is to think that we had already achieved like a high level and be contented and stop seeking Him. I realised that you can never reach God's standards, you should never stop, and even when you feel that you have grown, it doesn't mean you can be contented with what you are. Let's give an illustration: There is a ladder, between you and God, and we are always trying to reach up as high as possible to God. So I've climbed 100 steps(growing) I look down and WOW! I am like so far away from where I used to be. I become happy and contented k. Become proud and start clapping my hands for myself. I fall back. And I look up, and realised that I can't even see the end of the ladder. There are like infinite steps in this life, trying all ways and means to reach God and press toward His mark, yet I was contented to climb 100steps! Yes, it may be high when we look down and see the place we started so far from us. But when we raise our heads to Him, to the sky we see that we are not even a tiniest bit close to God. There is still this super long ladder up that nv ends and we are contented with our 100steps. HUH? I've realised that I had been contented in my christian life. I shouldn't have. Even paul said in philippians that he himself hasn't even apprehended but he still continued to press on toward the mark seeking God. May this also be my prayer in my life, never to be contented with my state of my Christian walk.

Sigh.

I was just called out by my mom and was scolded by her. She said I was really to the extreme faith. Am I really to the extreme? Who draws the line between the extremes and the non? Isn't it God? My mom says that I had been neglecting my studies because of my faith. Have I? I didn't want money to be the governing factor of my life, so I told her before that it didn't really matter to me whether there was money for me, even to survive. The bible teaches that man shall not leave by bread alone but by every word that comes out from the mouth of God. I trust that the Lord will provide but have I gone to the extreme? Yes, I can't deny that without money, is also almost impossible. But have I gone to the extreme? MY studies, I hasn't really been studying hard, I confessm but when I study, I put my faith in God that He will grant me His will no matter what. I believe that no matter how much effort I put in to study, if there is no faith how can it be good? Am I right? Or have I gone to the extreme? Isn't it greater faith to let God's will happen and trust in it then to study super hard trusting on your strength? Not that I don't study, but I dun bury myself in books and study through my strength. Yes, I agree that the Lord doesn't help those who do not help themselves. But those who try too hard thru their own strength is not trusting? Are they? Am I going to the extreme? I dun know my future. I want to allow GOd to decide. I know that no matter what, the Lord would not let me starve, He would not let me go homeless. I trust with all my heart my future is in the Lord's hands. Money don't appeal to me as it had before. I dun try too hard to pave my future myself thru studying, but allow God to. Am I going to the extreme? I thought that greater faith can do more things than our physical tries. AM I right? But Am I going to the extreme? I do study you know, but I just dun want to study too hard because I dun wanna try too hard with my own strength. Am I going to the extreme? I dun really care about money I have as I used to because I trust that the Lord will provide. Am I an extremist? If I live my life in the future, not idling, but trusting God in everyway that He provides, am I going to the extreme?
It is really so tough you know, to see the line drawn by God between the extremes and the non. Faith if led in the wrong way can lead to extreme, and even idling time. Is my mother's scolding a wake-up call to me from God? Or are these just persecutions that I should suffer as I bear the cross and follow His steps? Is this scolding like what Isobel kuhn face when she was studying as a missionary in the Bible College when one guy actually warned her before when even your family members try to call you back the devil is actually trying to lure you away from seeking God? It this from God or from the devil? When Jesus said, ".. deny youself, take up the cross and follow me.. " and that if a man does not forsaketh whatever he has, he cannot be Jesus's disciple, does it still apply to this present age? When even survival is so competitive. Does this age have church members who would provide a brother or sister if he or she should be starving on the streets? If someone is rooted in his or her faith, but does not have the standards to be enlisted in a bible college, will the college accept him or her? Should there really be a criteria for people who wants to serve God but are not able to go bible college because of their poor results or insufficient funds? What if I were to end up on the streets someday, will there be anyone in the world who would "bear this burden" and take care of me? Like in the olden times? IF I should fail badly in all my sujects and not able to continue in my education, will I be able to enter a bible college to study if it is the Lord's will that I would serve HIm as a pastor or missionary? In this present competitive, self-centered age, will these things be possible? These are thoughts that ran through my mind as I was being scolded. I know that nothing is impossible for the Lord. But how do I distinguish between great faith and extreme? Lord, grant me wisdom and a discerning heart. Is God willing to see all of us go thru the tough education system and waste time which can be spent to study HIs word? Or does every singaporean christian have to go thru this before they can serve God full time? Why is there such restrictions now? Why can't we be like the olden times when ppl are so carefree and can start their ministry even as a youth or a child? I have thought of it, if the Lord really asked ppl to drop their studies and serve Him full time now, how many would? Is it possible? AM I AN EXTREMIST IN MY FAITH? Why should I be so restricted in this present age? Why do I have parent who won't allow me to devote my life to my God? Why do my parents don't understand that my God has far more priority then my studies? Why should we be burdened with studying when our purpose in life is to live for Him? Will whatever "algebra theories", "exposition writing", "kinetic theory of matter" be put to use in future when we serve Him? Why is my youth burden with this things that will pass over after our 'A's? Is it really necessary anot? The whole problem is not that I dun wanna study, but that if my first priority is not studying, why should it be given so much time? Thats so ironic?

Matthew 6:33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, then His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.
How does Jesus's teaching apply now? He says that do not worry about our life, what you will eat or what you will drink, or wear. Is our life simply about surviving? God does provide, but how do we know whether it is faith and trust that He will provide or is it simply using it as an excuse to idle? I really wonder why people are not puzzled at the fact that their life, is to work to survive!!! WHy don't they question "WHY?" Why is their life going in cycles and they are not tired about it? Working, get money to feed ourselves? Isn't life more than that? If non-Christians would come to know about this, wouldn't they be seeking for answers what they are living for?

My mind is in a whirl now. Pray for me that the Lord grants me wisdom and a discerning heart.