Lord, let Thy will be done!

I think something that Christian bloggers have to be wary of is the tendency to exalt self before the Lord in our entries. Though we shouldn't look back now, on what we said before. But I feel that we have to purpose in our hearts, now to be conscious of whether what we post exalts ourself our exalts our Lord. Do we relate things to gain sympathy of gain praise from men, or are we doing it so that other may be encouraged and edified through what we say? Yes, we must be aware of it. I find myself often tempted to exalt myself instead of giving glory to the Lord. So do consider in future whether we are pleasing God in what we say.

The "Sharp Wind" blows once again at me today. It is something I've feared and dreaded always. On one hand, it may seem like the devil's work, hoping that because of it I will doubt my Lord and lose hope in Him. On the other hand, it seems to be the Lord putting me through a test, to see what I've learnt about Him so far.

Genesis 50:20
But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive.

Satan may want this Sharp Wind to break me down, but God uses this circumstance, hoping that I would be faithful through it and come forth as gold finally. I can see how my Lord works through everything.

Before revealing what this "Sharp Wind" is, I'd like to say that I was sure this was going to happen, only not certain when it would happen. My dad has not yet allowed me to go for our church's yoth camp, neither has he affirmmed me that my church-going was permanent. So I knew that this "Wind" was going to blow soon. When he will question my reason for going to church once again, and stop me from going.

I was about to leave the house for Aunty Joy's mother's funeral this morning when my dad asked me where I was going. Of course I could not lie. SO I told him the truth. The night before I told my mom and she agreed. But my dad was not informed. How wishful I was to think that seeking permission from my mother alone was all that is needed to go out. I was called back for a round of disciplining. And as he reprimanded me for going to the funeral without asking for permission, and also going for every single church activity that was present, he came, at last, to the dreadful part. He questioned my ability to judge which activites to go and which not. He said I had taken things for granted (which I felt I had not). And then he questioned me for my reason as to why I should go to church. And whenever it comes to that, I am know almost for certain that the answer was a "no". I really wanted to tell him the real reasons why I need to go to church, but as an unbeliever, he would not understand what it meant. By telling him that I go to church because I have believe in Christ and go every sunday to worship Him as God would only agitate and allow him to turn his anger on me.So I said I go there to learn about life values. But of course, the church teaches us how to live a godly life. And the solutions definitely has to be in Christ. That my dad can't accept. And to think that I trust and belive more in Christ's teachings than what he teaches me, angers him even more. That is precisely why he does not allow me to come to church. But how can I do what he says when it is contrary to God's word. I knew I had to stand firm on my grounds. I had to be strong in the Lord as I did before even if it means stopping me from going to church until he pleases. But as you have guessed, I was really sad and I was brought to the point of tears. But even within my heart, a "battle" rages.I had to be firm, I cannot give in just because my dad was about to stop me from going to church. I knew that it was all still God's will and God was definitely in control as He was before. Though there were doubts in my mind, but I still manage to convince myself that I had to be strong in my Lord come what may. I constantly reminded myself of Homay's example, reaching out my roots to the streams and never allowing the fierce wind to uproot me. Yes, I stood firm and trusted God. But nevertheless I was really really sad.

I've notice something. I am a person definitely not good with words.

1Peter 3:15
But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts, and always be ready to give a defense to everyone who asks you a reason for the hope that is in you, with meekness and fear;

I am always not able to give a defense to everyone who asks me a reason for the hope that is in me. That is why I am not able to stand up when I am confronted face to face. It is a weakness that I havent been able to overcome. And hence people cannot be convinced with the my beliefs. But I was thinking that I should write my dad a letter. Though I am not able to stand up face to face with that person, but I believe I am better in expressing myself with written words and I can really organise my thoughts.

So my dad gave me two minutes to say what I need to say to convince him, if not he will stop me from going to church. Yes, I am not able to speak up, but also even if I were to speak up, he was able to argue against that point with his principles. I know that his mind is always made up even before he hears anything from me. I had never been able to convince him of any decision. To think he always makes the final decision. So I had to leave without making my firm stand. Though in my heart, I was firm, but I was not able to express it.

I sobbed hard when I was alone. And I was struggling to keep myself from being self-pity and trying to remember what God has planted into my hearts and minds before. I allowed myself to bring all my sorrows, all my cares to the Lord. I really held back nothing in my heart. SO I experienced pouring out my heart's sorrow to Him and after that, God gave me an overwhelming peace and I was able to commit this trial unto Him and prayed for strength to be faithful. I sought for His will and was convinced that if He wills me to stop going to church again, I will do His will once again. But O, how my God comforts and cares for His children. It was not long after I came out once again and my dad talked to me again. This time, he gave me a choice of one day for the whole week. I knew that no one but God can work so mightily and quickily. It really comforts my heart at least to know that I am still able to come back to church on sunday to worship the Lord. But then he said that I am not able to go for other church activities and also youth camp. It was a hard blow to me. But because I had already given up my will to the Lord, to the point of stopping completely from going to church, it wasnt that bad after all. But how I am still hopeful that I will still be able to go for youth camps and youth meeting. But even so, Lord, let Thy will be done!