His Way Is Perfect
My mind's much more cleared up today. 've been seeking the Lord in Word and in prayer. Placed many things on the altar, and into His care. And very much relaxed and peaceful now. Thank You, Lord!
Its quite difficult to simply trust, the first time I recieved the news. But it always have to be a struggle, before surrendering my will to the Lord and leaving all things in His care. Just as Jacob wrestled with the Lord, so did I, in my mind.
You know, I've experienced it so many times, I should have been prepared to react and respond the way God wants when the news is broken to me. But I wasnt able to response well enough. I feel that the last entry was abit of hatred and anger, at the fact that my dad has to do this to me everytime. But when God comes in between, and explains why all these has to be done, I feel now compassionate for dad now. No longer angry that he just took away the only thing I had to be holding on to.
Lets compare what I felt before and what I feel now.
Why does this always have to happen to me? Why am I always tried this way? Why does God want to take away something that I only yearn and desire to do for Him? Questions flooded an unguarded mind, and created so many doubts within me. Is God trying to "drill" a truth into me that I am unable to grasp for the past few trials? Why does it always happen to me? Questions of despair and depression were wrestling with the Spirit that indwells me. You may think why I am still unable to stand strong and firm when I have faced this similar problem for a few times. I don't know! I myself don't know why these doubts and despair thoughts have to be racing through my mind when the only thing I could do was to trust fully. I guess I was holding on to things that I should have let go when God calls. The fellowship, the fun, the attractions. So many stuff that blinds me from seeing and keeps me from hearing God! I should have been Issiah when God calls, to stand up and say, "Here am I, send me!" Instead I had to be Jonah who ran away from God's calling. Not really running away, but just wanted time to think through and sort out myself. When the first thing I could have done was to stop, and rest in God. By thinking of what and how much I would be missing in church during this period of time, could only drown me and not help me, in this desperate situation. I knew, God was more than enough for me! Only He, was needed to maintain my walk with Him. But I refused to give up on how much more "fun" and "enjoyable" it would be to be in church. Sigh. I lacked a surrendered life and will to the Lord. Even tho I thought I had one, God comes and show me that I didnt! Indeed I didnt. And the thing I realised I was clinging to, wasnt any of the world's enjoyment or pleasures. Nah, they were not of any attractions to me. It was simply the fellowship I had in church! Something so closely related to God, but wasnt it yet. Ha, if u understand.. But even though the thing is about coming to church, God still wanted me to know that I shouldnt trust in it and give it a higher priority than Him! Wahh. Looking at it now, its really so "hidden" from my sight. Putting the fellowship or believers above God. Hmmm. How God reveals it to me! A totally surrendered life, and will, should trust God the moment he understands that God wants it from him. Remember, God can want anything from you. And when He comes knocking and asking for it, respond to Him in faith! Its something new I just learnt while blogging! I didnt come to this realisation just now, its only when I'm blogging! Ok. Perhaphs Im really giving people a too high priority, and even Im unaware of it! Well, thats not all of my struggles. Its a painful thing you know, to be stopped from going to church! If u ever experience that before. I guess I'm placed here for a special purpose. And I ought to fulfil it. I always encourage myself how I can be an example, or a witness in my testimony to others who go through similar problems as me, if I were to be faithful through testings. But above all, I hope that God be exalted before and higher than men. Its interesting. God knows our abilities and places us in circumstances that our abilities can be stretched to the limits. Ha, interesting thought eh? Just as 1 Corinthians 10:13 suggests, God wont tempt us above what we can be tempted. He knows our limits! And what are temptations and trials for? So that when we are tried and purified, we shall come forth as gold! And it also acts as an "workout" for us to stretch our abilities for God's glory! Hmm, ok just a side thought. So ya, I think God knew that I would still surrender my will to Him in the end. So, here I am! Rejoice in the Lord, I will say it again, rejoice! There was this very very encouraging thought that came to my mind while I was seeking and praying. I was imagining God's voice to me. Just a little background information, I've been praying for my baptistmal and more opportunities to go for youth activities in future. It goes something like this, "My son, I will not grant permission for your baptistmal, YET. Neither will I give you more opportunities to go for the youth activites. Whats more, I want to stop you from going to church on sundays! But know this, that- I still love you!" It really really warmed my heart. After everything that happened, its just enough to know that God still loves me. Its like losing everything you could ever have, but simply having a God for you to lean on.
Ok. So there was this internal struggle in my mind. Ya. Before I came before God and casts all my burdens and worries onto Him through prayer, and peace like a river flowed. He gave me a foresight of what He was going to do to my life. I knew that God could only choose a way that is best for me, because He loves me! The other paths are not the best, only God's way is the best and the most perfect. "Your will will not lead me where your grace will not keep me.." If only we could understand these three things, we would never doubt anything that happens to us.
- God loves us.
- God is all-knowing.
- God is perfect.
Lets consider this. If God is all-knowing, He knows everything that could ever happen right? And if He is perfect, nowhere He leads would ever turn out to be imperfect right? And if He loves us, would He not choose the best for us? If only I had knew this. I could rest and trust fully in Him.
Its quite depressing to think of how much I would be missing. But on the other hand, it is promising and exciting to think of what waits ahead of the path of obedience. What will become of me? God promises in Job. That we will come forth as gold. And what awaits me? Hmmm. Well, I guess seeking the Lord alone isnt really a bad thing, or a very depressing thought. In fact, I believe that everyone should be seeking the Lord on their own! Our relationship with the Lord is such a personal relationship- only God and us is required. The only thing I will be missing out is the fellowship, and the thing I have to work on is also IT! I think it will serve as a time when I set myself aside from IT, and learn to trust only God and lean on Him alone. As the song goes, "I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus' name.." Im actually looking foward to the times when I will seek Him and see Him face to face. Well, I think at the end of it, the lesson is clear to me. Trust not in man, but only in God. And I think I should make the best use of this time to seek Him and really grow and mature in Him.
Wait. After so much has been said. I still have one chance to talk to my dad and ask Him why I can't go church, and hopefully, if God wills to work a miracle then I might still be able to come. But now everything is tentative. And now Im leaving everything to Him. Just as my Lord prayed on the mount, the night before He was crucified, so I pray to my Lord that if this "cup" may be passed from me. But nevertheless, not my will but Thine be done! And through all things, I know that His way is perfect. And His love for me, convinced me fully to trust in it and rest in it!
Thanks for all those praying! I hope that you will continue to pray for me!
