Stressed.

I should say that this should be a more detailed and true entry of what I am going through now. Yesterday was in a rush to go to sleep, so... But I now decide to squeeze into my busy schedule to blog. I really really need prayers. Pls pray for me?

I'm going through something I think, not very common to many. You may be struggling to be guarding your hearts and minds from the world, keeping away worldliness in your lives. But my temptation chose to came differently. And its really sapping away energy, time, and trust in my Lord. Its a killer tough time I'm going through. And to think, its just the beginning of it. There is still one whole year of it! I really should say that it is really really very stressful. Never had I been so stressed up in my whole education journey. I just planned my timetable for long-term and to my horror, I realised such little time I have left for myself after putting in my school time, training, homework. And that so little time I havent include the fact of how tired and worn out I may be, due to the schedule. Consider having no time to yourself, which is for God, throughout the whole day! Of course, my daily quiet time has to be done in the morning. I can't take that out. But what appears to be my "routine schedule" is somewhat like this.

School ends at 4 on certain days. Following that I have training which probably will last till 6 plus 7. I would probably reach home at 8. Wash up, dinner and start work at 9. It will then leave me 1 hour plus to complete my day's work before knocking out upon reaching my bed. And it will be on a daily basis! I can never imagine how I am going to live through this type of routine. Never. The past two days, I have been literally worn out just by the lessons in school! And to see me blogging here, today, is because I just skipped training to rest for the day. I can say, and should say that I am physically, mentally and spiritually worn out. And I see no pt where I can be recharging and renewing my strength except in the morning. But... There's more to it.

Every subject adds more pressure to the already mounting pressure that is in me. I dislike how I always put myself under unnecessary pressure. And its not that I want. But because of the arrangement of putting the best students in one class, makes me feel so left out if I do not strive to do the best. But just wanting to be doing the best adds so much pressure on me. The subject teachers each introduce the scheme of work, the way we will be tested, the workload and all. And I simply stare at how the workload increases by leaps and bounds. One after one, they told us all that we need to do for this year, and I am like, "What?!?" I don't know how I am ever to cope with the workloads! TO think, Im only thinking and it has already caused me to be so vexed and perplexed. What happens when I really cannot handle the workload? Goodness. I dislike the "Oral Communication" pts and how we must be graded by how we speak in class. Being a close to introvert, I see no way I can score for this 10% of the whole year's result. And, the list of things that has cause me anxiety and stress can drag on and never end. The problem now is how am I to manage it? God, will be the only answer to this problem.

Notice that I hardly show how I left these pressures and stress to the Lord. I believe it is because I myself am hardly able to truly maintain a close relationship with Him. Satan has caused me to doubt and place guilt in me. It is a cycle I think. How the business actually allows the devil to stop me from coming to draw strength from God every morning, or rather the weariness and tiredness. And it has caused me to be busy and anxious with knowing and being able to draw grace from the Lord. And guilt that the devil has put in me, has taken away the confidence that used to be overflowing in my walk with God, confidence, of every prayer to God. I feel so defeated now, I can't even, or don't dare to go to God in prayer! Am I don't want to be defeated just two days after sch reopened. I want and yearn to be victorious! Can this be my great trial and testing, even though it may seem so minion in the eyes of others? To me, I have stopped communicating and drawing strength from the One whom I love, because of guilt, that has take away my confidence in my Lord. And I have wearied and stressed my mind with the "hectic routine" and the heaps of workload to be poured on me in future.

Pray for me as i struggle to renew and restore my relationship with Him. I know that if I were to be restored to Him, I can truly have the confidence that whatever He does is good, and perfect for me. But for now, I do not dare to hope or anything. Aiya, hopefully I'll come the next time with goodnews. Pray my friends, pray for me, NOW! Thanks.