Finally.

I'm beat mann. Totally exhausted and worn out. It has been a mere 3 weeks of school and I begin to wonder how I'm actually going to survive the entire year! through His grace I guess (: But, physically and mentally, I'm taking it day by day with the Lord. Because I know He renews my strength each day as I wait on Him.

I've been really, extremely, super de duper busy these days. To the point of being entirely lost in the things I do. Not that I lose my focus of why I do what I do, but being overwhelmed by the things that I do. My day starts with training at about 645 before lesson starts at 8 and ends at 4pm. Training continues till evening and by the time I reach home, it will be around 8pm. After dinner and shower, I think my day ends quite soon upon completion of my school work. This dreadful routine is wearing me down and leave me doubting and confused. Each time I am down and out, I thank God from the bottom of my heart, the Lord comes by and lifts me out of the miry pit. Then he sets my feet on the Solid Rock and put a new song in my mouth!

It has been stressful both academically and physically. But praise the Lord through these trying moments He has never failed to lead and guide me. I'm blessed by His very near presence with me everywhere I go, whatever I do. God has been wonderful, and I will indeed praise Him with every breathe I take. I've learn through these days many many things. To be indepedant of self when all my resources are exhausted, and be completely dependant on Him. That those who hope thou in the Lord shall indeed praise Him once again, for the help of His countenance. That we shall seek Him and find Him if we indeed search for Him with all of our hearts. I can only pray that God will grant me the grace I need to be faithful in every trial.

Tis' so sweet to trust in Jesus
Just to take Him at His word
Just to rest upon His promise
Just to know thus saith the Lord
Jesus Jesus how I trust Him
How I've proved Him o'er and o'er
Jesus Jesus precious Jesus
O for grace to trust Him more

It has been my song of encouragement, the sweetness of trusting in Jesus and the blessedness of proving Him over and over again. How I long to trust in Him with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding, in all ways acknowledge Him and He shall indeed direct my paths.

Many a times I realised I'm so stressed up because I am too much of a perfectionist. I want to ace in everything I do, to be among the top and with the best. But I fail to realise God simply wants me to do my best in my ability, in His strength. To be an ace-r in everything I do will be impossible. I thank the Lord for the talents He has bestowed upon me, only that He may sanctify them and use them for His glory.

Academmicaly wise, I'm stressed, by the lack of time and the demands of it. On top of a stressful syllabus, we have a system called the ACE system which is self-initated projects about subjects. We are suppose work towards the max 15 pts per subject and the demands are, great. There is an OP system where we will be graded over 10 pts our participation during lessons for every subject. And this is the one I'm stressed and worried about. I don't like to speak up during lessons. If I had a question I would rather ask my friend sitting next to me that voice it out. I dare not provide an answer, fearing my limitations and ignorance. This OP which is 10% of the final year's score has been stressing me every lesson. I have a Chinese Research Paper to do which is due in march. I ought to take up a project for my project's day competition soon. I'm considering whether to take up the Humanities Research Paper or opt to take modular examinations for humanities. Academically, I don't think I can relax till I take the very last paper this year.

Training's been demanding and time-consuming. Other than studying, my whole week is taken up, every part of it by running, and running, and more running. I see no purpose in it all, but the desire to fulfill what I was called to do. Nationals are in April, competitions are coming up, yet in all these I long to keep my eyes on Jesus and have no confidence in my strength nor training. I desire to do my best and be His champion in the physical and spiritual race.

Thou art my hiding place, my Song in the Night
My sure abiding place, my Shelter from the fight
How can I go my way, not looking where I stray
Thou art my hiding place, my Song in the Night.

I'm beginning to understand what I asked for when I prayed, "Let me burn out for Thee" I am experiencing just a little or what it would cost me for a lifetime. A complete surrender to the Lord's will, my time is His time, my strength His strength, my money His money, my will His will, my all His all. I pray my life may be spent entirely on Him and not an ounce of strength or cent may be used but for Him. It is exciting to live on the verge of losing everything, sitting at the edge trusting the Lord day by day for every provision. Great men of God went through depedance for every cent of their lives, after yielding all to Him. Yet it must have been encouraging and blessedness to their hearts, to see and behold the Lord time after time, providing His sheeps and keeping them.

Jesus, Jesus how I trust Him
How I've proved Him o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus
O for grace to trust Thee more

Couple of things weighing down heavily on me. This period of time has been my wilderness, and I thank the Lord the wilderness was ever for my own good. To test and see if I would obey and love Him, in spite of the difficulties I may be put through. Each time I fix my eyes on myself, I realise I fall into self-love, self-pity and self-depedance and I feel so discouraged and lost. But every time, by His grace, I learn to turn them towards Christ, the Lord opens my eyes to know and understand what the Psalmist meant when he said, "Why art thou disquieted within me O my soul. Hope thou in God for you shall yet praise Him. For the help of His countenance." I've been struggling with the thought that I have been distant from my dear brothers and sisters and will continue to be in the year ahead due to many things including my busyness. But I pray for grace to be faithful wherever He may lead. And I'm encouraged by today's sermon about the need to move out of our comfort zones to reach out and love and disciple our friends, because I know thats what I need to do. The feeling of being isolated I realise IS shared by many as we get on in with our busy lives. But something that really struck me was when Pastor said that it involved sacrifice, of time and effort to meet up to fellowship, pray and do Bible study. Truly, may we be willing yielded vessels through which the Lord will fill and use! And do pray for me because I have been feeling isolated in school too. I've learn the need to reach out and be friendly, because one of the proverbs spoke about the need to be friendly that we may have friends. It has been trying to not have a person whom I can relate to and spend my time in school with. Sometimes discourages me alot. It is even a more painful thing that because of this I have no desire to share with my friends Christ. I just pray that God will make me approchable and friendly and send people in my way whom He can bless. But through all these the Lord has taught me that truly, there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother. Even if my mother and father disown me, my friends forsake me, the Lord will take me up. I've learnt to depend more and more, wholly on Him.

Who will share my earthly sorrows
Who will heal my broken heart
Who will hold my life together
When it seems to fall apart
When the fears are far too many
When the joys are far too few
Whom will comfort and defend me
Only You, Lord only You
Jesus Savior dearest Friend
I will love You without end.

So much for my sharing. Do keep my in prayer as the Lord continue to try, teach and mould me. I'm excited yet weak, only to be suffice in His strength.

Leave you guys with two verses that I picked up from a book I've started reading called the Blessing of Obedience.

But this thing commanded I them, saying, Obey my voice, and I will Thy God - Jeremiah 7:23

If ye will obey my voice indeed, and keep my covenant, then ye shall be a peculiar treasure unto me above all people - Exodus 19:5