Do not I love Thee

Oh, hi my friends, it has been long since I last entered an entry. It used
to be me chasing others to update their blogs, now, its me lagging behind.
OHwells.. I look back those days and I wonder what kept driving me and why
was I so free to be blogging so often especially sharing what I've learnt
and what went through my life, I just cant do so now. Each time I come by, I
realise that if I were to spent an hour or so on the computer, that would be
one hour wasted and not spent well. Or is it? I feel so... different this
year. Its like I'm so and too consumed in my work and havent had time to
simply, do nothing. Each time I have some time available to myself, I feel
uncomfortable and feel there MUSt be something I left out or something I can
do that I didnt do. Is it just me and me being consumed in work? I think I
really am. I have definitely changed from what or how I used to be in the
past. I'm glad to say, however, by God's grace that I, as often as it seems,
no longer slack but do give my 100% in all that I do. But.. at times when
work piles upon work, when the Lord gets pushed out of the picture, I feel,
so empty. So the question maybe should be, have I been doing all this for
myself or for the Lord's glory?

I really feel so stagnant in my spiritual growth now. Its not as if I fail
to seek the Lord whenever I possibly could. The Lord is, and has still been
the Lord of my life, at least for the point of not doing what is wrong and
all. But its just that I dont feel that I am who I was before. In fact at
times I just feel so lost and so confused. Can this be because of the
busyness and consuming lifestyle I am in? I try to convince myself that it
is so but, does it mean that I would be better without this busyness? I
can't be sure. But does it mean that if I were ever this busy, or even
busier in the future I cannot seek the Lord? Certainly not. How true is it
that as you grow, life becomes more complicated. What about, "Lord life
becomes more simple when all I seek is you"? I think back on how I used to
be: the readiness and zeal I had to do whatever God commanded or willed, the
desire to seek Him, to grow in Him and to be more like Him, even how I didnt
take sin as lightly as I am taking it now. I know there are many things that
I never knew in the past that I've learnt now. But the love and zeal for God
in the past, can head knowledge replace its precious place in my heart or
even in His? I feel that I have not been growing in the Word of my Lord
either. Not merely the time factor, but, mentally and spiritually I'm not
ready to recieve His word. What I read never really did dwelt in my heart. I
feel I'm depedant greatly on the things that I have learnt before. In fact,
I do not even seem to remember them. There has been experiences where I
believe the Spirit of the Lord works, to move my heart to surrender and
yield, but does it go beyond that? How I pray for an answer, and for His
salvation!

Do not I love Thee O my Lord
Behold my heart and see
And turn each cursed idol out
That dares to rival Thee

Are these merely feelings of disappointment, feelings of being lost and
confused? Have I really strayed? Or is the Lord teaching me something? But
what I do not understand is why have all my commitments, promises and
dedication to the Lord before not take any effect? Knowing my weaknesses, I
can only stray further and further, unless He holds me by my hand. Am I
turning His hand away? I know at many times I have turned my eyes away from
Him, many times indeed. I thank Him for His faithfulness, in being patient
and keeping me. I feel I so lack the zeal, the passion and love for my dear
Jesus.

Thou knowest I love Thee dearest Lord
But how I long to soar
Far from the sphere of mortal joy
And learn, to love Thee more

Well.. am I so down and out? Have I given up? Am I struggling so badly? Heh,
I may not be as bad as I may appear, but as far as I am concerned,
spiritually that has been my thoughts and reflections.

Even so I have still be burdened by many things pertaining to spiritual
things. As far as possible I have been praying for my loved one's salvation,
for loved ones who have strayed, my ministry and work in school and
training. Interestingly I have desire quite earnestly for the Lord really
revive the Church once again. Our Lord is coming so soon, I just pray that
as many as possible, souls would be added into His kingdom.

We just went through the dating workshop recently. And honestly, as much as
I appeared not to be very interested, I am not as enthusiastic about it as I
was before. Firstly becuase it has been so stressful and busy that these
things find no place in my mind. Secondly, I figured out that I would rather
choose not to conclude about anything or anyone but to wait on the Lord(not
through very positive means though) And lastly, erm, I mstil lseekin gfo
rtha tOne I guess.

Maybe I havent been involved with anyone's life, nor has anyone been
involved in mine. But.. lets see how. At least these things havent been in
my mind and I'm not really too bothered about it. Its something I'm afraid,
time, is need to sort out maybe.

The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord
And he delights in His way
Though he fall he shall not be utterly cast down
For the Lord upholdeth Him with His hands

I pray the Lord will indeed guide my steps, and that I will only follow Him,
wherever He leads.