I'm back.. at last.

AHH.. Well apparently because I seriously lacked time to do so and secondly I was down and out for quite a period of time. Why I lacked time? Maybe its because right after Cross I had to get down to mug catch up and complete my assignments that I was already late? Why I was down and out.. that's pretty complicated.

National Cross was... one nightmare. One which I hope I had learnt a lesson from.

It hurts abit to refresh my memory of that race day. The moment I sprinted forward at the starting line to get a good starting position I knew I was not going to do well. Why? I don't wanna relate all because I know there are many factors. Its really really a pity. Especially when I had such high hopes and such great ambitions. But I know I struggled all the way, I know I had definitely given my best shot (I always have, for nationals, even though I feel like dying halfway through) and I came back almost an hour before getting back on my feet and start walking because for that past one hour I felt almost as if I was going to die. It was at first a physical suffering, one which happens when you give your 101% and nothing's left within. Followed by, when I settled down physically, mental anguish. Did I weep? Yes, I wept and I certainly wept badly. My entire day was, even the following days, were gloomy and discouraging. I refrain from any conversation and any activities because it really hurt that bad. That Bad. I've never been that depressed for the longest time. It was a pretty rough time for me I guess. What kept me going? His grace and His love for me, the thought of His way being perfect.

To be real honest, my target was top 3. Even now I think it was realistic and I could have done it with the strength of the Lord. But because the factors which led to me screwing my race up were things beyond my control I came to a conclusion that this outcome was from the Lord. However I certainly feel that I have failed to respond as I ought to, as His grace demands so. Anyway why I held such high hopes. Firstly because this was the first time I trained so hard and committed so much time and effort to my training. The thought of going back to training irks me badly and I badly wanted it to end all on that day. Secondly I seriously felt good and peak at that time. Lastly I wanted to run a good race before leaving to do other things. Apparently it was a letdown. I was not prepared for it at all. I know its no use regreting. There is still a tinge of regret in me even though Im pretty much ok right now. Guess the whole thing has to be yielded completely to Him.

Well it was a humbling experience I should say. It humbled me so much that I really didn't think of anything of myself for a period of time. But I feel the difficulty to accepting it lies within the fact that this pride is difficult for me to swallow. Very difficult indeed. Can I come up to someone and say I've got 16th! Praise the Lord! That obviously is the right thing to do, but I can't and I know its my pride. I believe this is also the reason for my inability to completely surrender to this perfect will of God. If I had a chance to undo everything, would I take it? Can I not trust that this way is best for me?

Maybe, perhaphs, the Lord wants me to continue running. I dont wanna assume that to be His will simply because I want to come back and prove myself. But on one hand I seriously feel uncomfortable training so hard and committing so much time to track and field. On the other hand, it may be possible that this ministry the Lord wants me to continue. I have no idea at all.

I guess my all has to be on the altar before I can have perfect peace and know His will.

All that aside, I'm still pretty busy. Because of school work. I have to catch up with almost everything that they covered this term because I havent really been concentrating and have been missing lessons the past week. Then next week have 5 test in a week! Best. I almost have thought that I am going to mess up this whole term, my running then my results? I don't know. It feels really bad to have things just taken away from you just like that. But indeed, the truth is, "the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away". But thankfully after that I'm free to a certain extend if I dont train la. Cause week 7 is IT week which means we stay at home to "mug". Haha.

Heh my cousins from Australia are here and they'll be dropping by my house for a day this saturday. These cousins of mine are not close to me. In fact I see them like once twice a year or something. But dunno why I feel a little excited having them around. One of them is a boy who's my age and rather resemble me or I like him. Heh ok all that aside.

How my Savior hung on that tree to die for me I cannot forget. Nor can I keep silent when He rose from the grave victorious. Tell me to old old story, tell me the old old story, tell me the old old story of Jesus and His love. I pray to be moved, changed, and behold His glory in my life.