Jus dropping by here for a while before I leave in a few hour's time for Chiangmai. Not exactly very excited about the trip though, but.. definitely hope to take things slow there, relax and maybe reflect. I sometimes have a feeling I dunno whats going on in my life, but I guess things would work out fine soon. Have I been praying? Yeah I guess I have but definitely not as earnest as before. Have I been seeking? Tried many times but fall short each time. Each time I thought I almost got up on my feet something comes to put me down. Maybe thats why Paul wrote, "Let he who thinks he stand take heed lest he falls". I guess Im in a situation where Im lost and don't understand why I am where I am. I've made mistakes but before each mistake I know I earnest seek His face and longed to surrender myself to Him. But it just never seems to happen. God has been good despite my falls. It sometimes amazes me why He is so willing and so forgiving. Lacking grace I certainly am. Lacking grace and at times growing indifferent about many things. Since day 1 of this year right up to now.. it appears to me that I havent been exactly striving onwards but moving backwards each time I move a little onwards. There are ups and downs but I feel the downs seem to overwhelm the ups, at least from what I see from here. God has certainly tried me in numerous ways, but I know I havent responded in grace, and definitely not in faith. Am I still holding on and soldiering on? I think I need to come to a point where I learn that I am completely and utterly hopeless and useless apart from Him, thats when I see His glory and cry "Woe to me.. Glory to God!" Till then, life seems rather stagnant. Yeah it does.

It seems I've been rather cold and quiet. Haha, well.. I concur with it totally. Sometimes it just seems that as my spiritual life dips, as I lack the grace, I feel indifferent and.. just weird when I'm with the brethren. Then when Im with my school mates Im not totally with them either because Im definitely holding back. Am I stuck in between? For now, I doubt I care much about it. Studies running results achievements, maybe that has numbed the effects, which I once feared before.

To SisCC abt the newsletter article, Im sorry about it. Maybe I feel Im not exactly in the right condition to write about it, not now at least. Maybe if you could ask someone else? If not after my trip I see if I can try writing it laa.