Haha, if you are bored after visiting my blog these days, dun worry- I am too! (x Firstly, cos the updates are.. monthly. And secondly, cos they are.. often so short. So where are those long entries I used to have? Haha. Actually, I could be consistent in my bloggings, by.. leaving short notes here and there. But, i'm not used to doing that la, so when I am prepared, and when there is time, the looooong one will come (: maybe also because this year, or rather, the past two months has been a rush that i find no time and no energy to sit down and pen my thoughts in this form. Heh, actually i hardly pen my thoughts down nowadays.. the lack of blogging isn't a reflection of my lack of reflection or lack of thinking, but yes, as I always say, a clear reflection of my lack of time- in the sense that it isnt my priority.

I just had a weird thought. Could it be possible if i took a quick poll to noe who is still reading my blog. Oops. think this idea will fail actually. Cos my blog's the un-responsive blog! haha -.-" okay i'm talking to myself. Time for the REAL thing. (:

Thank God for monday's full day off tomorrow, giving me a little more time to sit down and pen these thoughts down. Cos hwachong actually did quite well for the GCE 'A' levels. however, a little reservations because i still have a biology test on wednesday! Anw, YES:

To quote from sis Chiaochyi's blog, Desert Bible Institue (: - thats what i feel i need. It has really been a busy and hectic two months in school, activities after activities- the school orientation, followed by time needed to adapt to a totally new and -ahem- rather difficult and different environment, the decision to start training once again, my birthday, the angel and mortal game, valentines day, cross country, demise of my grandma, chinese new year, the list goes on. but its hard to imagine that they all actually happened in the short course of TWO months. THAT much didnt happen during our two months holiday break though. Yes, it has been a thought and an idea that i carried through with me during these two months- to quiet this noisy soul of mine. To literally go to a mountain to read, to pray or perhaps to reflect. but it has been difficult to do so, both with constrains of time and also the inertia within. Somehow i feel that (if i could measure spiritual energy) my spiritual energy is being drained day by day, being refilled a little every time i come back to seek Him. Yet, Christ promised that out of our hearts will flow "rivers of living waters". something is terribly wrong here. Reality doesn't tally with God's word. I am feeling drained day after day. Does that make God's word void? I suppose not. but i am certain that my inability to claim upon this promise has to do with.. me not believing in Him? Or rather my inability to keep myself in the center of His blessed will. It isnt surprising to hear me complaining often that i am so busy i dun have enough time- to be blunt about it, i know its becos i havent used my time entirely to do His will but my own selfish will. And also, I havent been able to be "renewed in the spirit of my mind", but rather find myself so often "comformed to the pattern of this world". I have become rather insensitive to the conviction of God's spirit with my sins and disobedience. and today, i realised that it is due to my lack of reverance before a Holy God. often I find myself compromising and giving in to temptations because i have taken "sin" too lightly, and i could go on, perhaps up to days with unconfessed or unrepentened sins, until God mightily brings a conviction of it, upon my heart. this wasnt me before, cos i know myself to be almost paranoid at the thought of committing a sin and it would leave me unsettled for days. Ahh.. to sum it all up, i need to spend time with God ALONE badly, and refocus and recommit myself to Him wholly. it seems rather impossible actually, even with the march holidays approaching, but to withdraw from the crowd is something i pray God help me to do.

Yet my life has not been a depressing, monotonous, boring one. I am thankful God looks upon me with great mercy and faithfully fulfills His word in my life, yes, despite my faithless-ness. God promised that in Timothy (if i am not wrong) that even if we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself. God has been graciously teaching me a great no of things, goading and proding me to depend on Him and submit my life entirely to Him. think Jim berg's message on God's secret of satisfaction has a great impact on the way i see my circumstances nowadays. i believe for the past two months i have often been disgrunted and disastisfied with how things are going- esp when they are going against my will. Remember at the end of last year during a bible study, dar asked a question that got all of us thinking, if God were to suddenly change all our plans and our expectations, what would be our response? Would we become angry at Him? Or would we choose to submit to His authoratitive plan and will? In Berg's message, he suggested that the key to a life of contentment and satisfaction and joy and peace in God is.. when the circumstances turn bad, we are to look to God who PROVIDED them and depend on Him!!! If we study economics, (charissa would noe this pretty well eh? ;)) that theoretically speaking, there are unlimited wants but limited supply, rights? Often God limits us so that He could goad us into.. returning in dependence to Him. To add on to this train of thought, Bro Mark Lehman's introduction on CNY's day was that we ought to thank God for "pleasure" as well as "pain", for "roses" as well as "thorns". So it finally all boils down to the question of submission, which God has dealt with me mercifully and graciously i should say, really. Think the things i often get so discontented with, God has once and for all let them all out on me, and there was a period of time i felt my life was about to crumble becos all that i thought i was to be, i wasnt. God humbled me to really a point of weakness. becos of pride, i hardly or rather never thought of myself to be that low or that bad, esp in the things i do. But He provided the grace for the trial, He never left me nor forsook me, He made me strong in my weakness and His grace was sufficient for me! Praise Him! for He taught and helped me, instead of being altogether dissatisfied with the way things are going, i learn to cast all my cares upon Him and trust in Him. however, i know for a certainty that God has alot more to prune my life, and there is much in my life that has not been fully surrendered to Him yet. i ask Him to do it in His time and help me be willing to yield when i need to!


today, Daniel went through sunday school with us, and it helped me put down clearly in words my thoughts as i read through the book on john the past few weeks. it has been a good read. it was something i had a little more to reflect upon, and it kinda goes like this: our recognition forms our responses, thats what the sunday school book suggests. But to further elaborate on it, i propose that our faith determines how we respond to life's situations! Think daniel went through this train of thought before during last year's fear factor youth meeting message. Furthermore, a great reemphasis on james shows that REAL faith demostrates itself by works. But this time, it goes the other way round. Our works are determined by our faith! consider this illustration i always give myself: if we believe Jesus to be the Son of the Living God who humbled and gave Himself to die for our sins, what would this faith demostrates itself as? but a totally surrendered life unto God. but the problem is we do not even have enough FAITH in that truth! thats why I've been asking the Lord to grow my faith and my belief in Him. this lesson was further reiterated to me when I had a conversation and opportunity to talk to my dad once again about our faith. Do continue praying for my dad, he isnt one who does not noe the gospel message, in fact he knows it rather well but maybe holds some error in his opinion about it. I guess he really needs God's illumination and have his eyes and heart opened to see that Jesus is truth, and whatever opinions he has about christianity to be removed. It no longer is ignorance already, but.. really unbelief. But the conversation i had with him inspired and challenged me a little more, in a good way i guess. My dad holds strongly the opinion that christians, (or maybe just me, i dunno) are very narrow minded and believe everything they are told without truly, honestly questioning. he made a comment which i was at first unagreeing, but perhaps bears little semblance of truth. he said that we ought to be questioning everything in our bible or our faith until we come to realise it for ourselves that it is the truth! well, not to shake anyone's faith in any sense but i challenge christians to truly KNOW who they have believed! that we may be build up upon our most holy faith, and not be tossed to and fro by every wind and doctrines of this world. OKAY, i am sure it isnt wrong to be 100% certain that this faith of ours, or rather Jesus whom we believe is indeed the WAY the TRUTH and the LIFE. a clear example would be the example of thomas (john 20), after Jesus' resurrection, when the other disciples told him about it, his reply was "unless i see in His hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and out my hand into His side, i will not believe." hmm, however, this doesnt discredit us being SURE and having faith in what God has already revealed to us- His truths! Jesus continued by saying "Thomas because you have seen Me, you have believed. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed". This is great comfort to those who have plunged in by faith upon the conviction of the Holy Spirit that Christ is the truth! yet yet yet, the point i am trying to bring across is this: that we need to know and be fully assured of what we believe, and not deceive ourselves by saying or doing things for the sake of other or for the sake of going through the motions. will our faith carry us to the point of a martyr's death for our Lord? unless we have REAL faith in the son of God, our responses in the way we live our lives, in the way we think will not please Him, for without faith it is impossible to please Him! yes, He who comes to Him must believe that HE IS and that He is a rewarder of those who dilligently seek Him. furthermore, the challenge that came from my dad was.. for me to not blindly follow what men tell me, but be sure that what i believed comes from God, though the living and authoratative word of God. yes, that our faith would grow.. to the point of willing to lay down our lives according to His will for us!

Last point before I leave, it has to do with my ministry. hopefully i wouldnt be too caught up with school and its activities to disregard God's calling in my life. if the Lord be willing, that He may revive my heart and refocus me so that my life would be a vessel fit for Him to use. i confess there has been much talk but not much work done, especially in the ministry of outreach to my friends in school. personally, i do not feel a strong enough bond with them to desire to reach out to them. But God's call for us to love one another isnt subjective to our feelings. i pray God give me a heart of compassion, true love and concern for their souls to desire to give them the REAL deal- the TRUTH- that will change their lives. i cant be selfish about that. then again, honestly, i have been so caught up with school that.. i have little burden for the youth ministry nowadays. i must be void of self, that i may live unselfishly to desire each one come to a endearing close and personal relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ once again. what's gonna be different this year, is that i'm going to be faithful to do what God calls me to do- and that i have to do without distractions! so, the Lord help me!

Its a interesting read, on the relationship between the seven churches mentioned in the book of revelations and church history, because if you would consider, every characteristics of the church actually tallies with a certain part of church history, in chronological order. Firstly, it is an affirmation of God's providential hand in ALL things, for it cannot be coincidental that the periods in the church history, (certainly out of man's control) are exactly identical to the characteristics that the book of revelations stated. and Jesus' words to the seven church are words of encouragement as well as rebuke to the churches at different age. if interested, do read up on this. But its certainly true! the church age that we are living presently in, is represented by the church of Laocidean. if you would turn in your bibles to revelations 3, Christ rebuked the church then Laocideans, now the present Church, for being neither cold nor hold- lukewarm! isnt it true in our case? Men have become wealthy and rich, and think themselves INDEPENDENT of God. Men have grown tolerant of other faiths and false religions and compromised right even in the church!!! With worldly contemporary music, and other forms of worldliness. Jesus says to our Church, He will vomit us out of His mouth!

"As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten. Therefore, be zealous and repent. Behold I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and He with Me."

i havent said this for quite sometime, but dear fellow soldiers of the Lord Jesus Christ, thou who knowest truth and has life eternal, fight on! turn neither to the left nor the right, but keep your eyes on your faithful Leader! Jesus calls, "hold the fort, for I am coming!" and we shall wave the answer back to heaven, "by Thy grace we will! " he who overcomes, God grants to sit with Him on His throne.