the long post exam post

Its finally over! Oh my goodness, abcdefg! :D HAHA.


I thank God Im finally through with the horendous examinations. It feels as if I have been stuck in the 'exam-cycle' of like 1000 years! I cant imagine how I've started my revision so early yet the only hours of studying that REALY matter were those spend just before exams! Seriously. I totally forgot what I've practiced/learnt/read even like two weeks before the exams. So the moral of the story? Cramp and study everything in the last week! Haha. It feels as if I have taken the A level examinations! Maybe with a little less of the stress, a little less of importance, and a little less of time spent, and of course my results this time wont be an ideal reflection of my a level results. But those long hours of mugging and examinations makes it feel as if a levels just past. Ah, I cannot say I'm totally relieved, even though I really feel quite free now. There's still PW to work on this month. Its, a waste of our time, seriously.


I started the early hours of my day in a really stony mood. Biology didnt interest me at all. In fact, I dunno whats the purpose of yesterday's post except its an useless rant. Those intimidating thoughts kept surfacing in my mind even when I was taking my paper! I played soccer today which took my mind off much. Talking about soccer, I suck. HAHA. My fitness level is 0% and my fat level is 100%. Disgusting.


Nickfoo, this one's for you, for being a faithful blog reader who doesnt reveal himself except tag as 'anon' some weird message which didnt make sense to me until I ask you! HAHA. This guy here.. honestly? One of my closest guy friends in school. Haha. Oh doesnt that mean I dun really have close guy friends in school? Hahahaha. No la, we were close before, definitely. Maybe cos he has his own clique and I have mine that we arent as close as we used to be. But, nonetheless, this guy has been a wonderful friend since sec 1. Gossips better than a thousand other girls but keeps secrets like a good ole friend. And yes, ares soccer team for the win !


...


Are things really gonna be different now? Thinking about it makes me really sad. Why cant we cherish the people around us when they are around. I guess we often take people around us for granted. If talking about someone's emotional problems makes him emo, does not talking about it and pretending that nothing is wrong make him hypocritical? Sigh I really do not want to be bothered about what people will think or say about me anymore. Being disturbed by other's opinion makes one's life miserable. Why should anyone's judgement matter anyway, unless it was for the edification of the person. If words fly like a dagger into another person's back, such a behaviour is in itself immature and un-Christlike. Anyway I was saying that if we do not express our disappointment and pretend that all is well and we are happy, people make take it at surface level and misunderstand our situation. Yet if we become too expresive of our circumstances we are labelled as being overly emotions. Point is, all men are emotional people. Its just whether they are controlled or they are let loose, expressed or they are withheld. So there is really no point judging anyone for being emotional at all. However the manner it is expressed do matter nonetheless.



I really dunno what to do leh. I feel so stranded and left behind. It would be most humbling for me to try to fit in again but I do not want to be hurt when it fails, again. I wished someone could slow down and pick me up and make me walk that straight narrow road once again. I know I have three options: 1. Give it all up and just move on to a different place in my life. 2. Humble myself, admit my mistake and return to the life I used to live. 3. Status quo- be halfway here and halfway there. But honestly, I wouldnt noe where to move on to if I choose option 1. I can renounce every and anything in this world but not my faith nor my convictions, this I know. But is it considered wrong to move on when things become completely foreign? The only thing thats holding me back now is that they have been like a family for me the past few years and they mean alot to me. I really mean alot. I would believe that this was gonna be the place I would spend my entire life but come it seems so different now. I know I do not have any other options if I make this choice but.. do I have to make it. I really dun want to feel uncomfortable anymore.


The past few day's activities set me thinking and pondering over my future? Do I forsee myself being close once again to them or its really gonna be so different in the long run. I know its far-fetched to think about a wedding, but.. do I really think I'm gonna spend my wedding like every other church member does in its typical church wedding setting? Am I gonna be as closely knitted to a group of friends like the youth comm is? Honestly I cant see it leh!

Maybe I've really changed. And perhaps I really need to change back. But when somebody changes does it mean he is no longer worthy of love or concern? Is he judged because of his negative traits? Isnt the love superficial if one moment you are there for the person and when he changes due to unforseen circumstances that you distant yourself away from him? This, I really cannot comprehend- that love preached is not practiced.

In the light of the risk of being seen as overly emotional and a loss of my "manly pride" (HA, del), I would like to state that this is an entry of reflection more than it is to incite a response from anyone. Nonetheless I know there will be people who sympathize and people who judge but they are merely by products of such a process, the same way O2 is a byproduct of photosynthesis, HA. (too much bio, sorry) A seemingly justified claim of why this has to be posted is that whoever writes a reflection for himself to read, but to be shared. Ha.

I am certainly not fond of status quo because I do not like to be stuck in between. My attitudes are usually extreme, in the sense that either I enjoy doing something and do it with all my heart or I totally ignore it and disregard its importance. This has a 50% chance of being good. Ha. Youth camp, childrens camp, cantata- I'm not ready for them at all. I do not even know whether they are on my priority list anyway. But hopefully things would turn out for the better, with time.

I really hate myself for changing so much. I would love it if I could turn back time and relive those days when things are simple and not that complicated. I do not blame anyone for what has happened. I blame the choices that I've made all these while. I blame myself for taking the step away from the route and rolling down the hill with increasing momentum. Part of me just don't want to stop myself from rolling down. Part of me wants to get back to the top of the hill and continue the journey I intended to walk from the beginning.