Lousy loser. HAHA

Well..

The second week of post exam days have just whizzed past once again- and I havent touched my PW work yet :/ okay, that aside.. it was another one of those okay weeks. Not too happening, which can be good and bad. Glad I was able to devote some time to reading and praying this week (havent done so for the longest of time), glad to spend time with nickfoo and longyi and kaiming and yeah the team.

Yesterday's youth camp planning meeting was surprisingly nice...! I was expecting moments of awkwardness and discomfort, but I am thankful that the people present were particularly spontaneous and friendly, well half of the group was my cousins and it took place at my aunt's house..so that shouldnt be too surprising. But it was nicer because we discussed about.. the Supernatural life in Christ (a.k.a the Normal Christian Life) and how it really is divine and not something man attempts to do and live. That was encouraging and comforting, considering the desperate state that I am still in. So the recurring theme even in my backslidden state is to die to the flesh and self, submit and wholly depend on Christ. Hmm, it made me think on alot of my actions and thoughts before, cos some may not be directly driven by the Spirit but perhaps in my own strength? The discussion made me reflect and think alot.. but the sad thing is that I have been too tired since to spend time to think or pray abt it yet.

After yesterday's meeting I've realised that I actually have quite alot work and responsibilities to do even in the holidays. That is no good. Cos, firstly I do not know whether I am prepared of even worthy for the task- perhaps there are many more capable men out there in a more fitting state than me. Secondly, cos I'm going back for training in the holidays- the explanation for it may/may not be revealed later, lol.

I'll like to be really honest here. There are certainly people in church whom I do not wish to see or feel comfortable with yet. The right thing to do would be to settle whatever problems we have and cast away the hatred. But I am really not willing/ready to do so just yet. Perhaps there is still alot of pride within me. But it would be better, ha, for me if those people would initiate a mutual apology, whoever you are. And that God would give the grace to soften my heart to forgive and let go when the time comes..

Today I feel like a super big loser. HAHA. I dunno why but my mood was really bad. I havent been feeling too good these days anyway. Something happened which actually I feel distant me from some of my closest friends. Perhaps there needs to be time but yeah, I still havent been feeling too good about it. I have a strong feeling that things reeeally arent gonna be quite the same anymore.

I also feel like a loser for being the most irresponsible guy around. I really felt bad not turning up to be tour guide for open house. But I'm really shy in talking to people I do not know and its just not the thing I wanna do. Ohwell. Del called me irresponsible. It was really hurtful but it was true. And also I feel so lousy cos I always am not able to encourage or comfort someone when that person is having a bad day, like I cant find words to say to cheer the person up. For example when my friends do badly for exams.. that one really dunno what to say. Then today also. Sigh sian laa. Maybe I dun have the gift of being an encourager.

Anw I still think the world is too superficial in general. And I should be ashamed that I have bought into their philosophy when I myself dislike it really. Well, there isnt anyone who wouldnt judge you for how you look and trust me, I am really uncomfortable with that thought.. And to a certain extent I do judge people by their looks. BUT its still so wrong. I guess when I thought of this verse, "Man looks at the outward appearance, but God sees the heart" it really IS comforting to know that God doesnt love anyone because of his acheivements, abilities, looks, or anything that men love people for. God looks at men's heart and judges the person for who he really is inside. Thats nice.

I've been waiting and waiting and waiting for it for years dear Lord. Somehow everytime it almost comes God withholds it from me. Perhaps there is a chance that God is teaching me to continue waiting and depending on Him.. but I really get impatient at times and try to figure my own way out. How long O Lord..?